Currently Reading When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times By Pema Chodron see related

Two years ago, I was in the midst of a break down. I had tried--and failed--to live out my naive dreams. I was bitter, resentful, and in a dangerous place. I was drowning. There was no safe haven I could create for others--I had no safe place for myself.

Sleep became my escape, but only for a short while. Even that was lost as I learned that for every dark oblivion I could hide in there was a time when I would have to open my eyes and try the same horrible day again.

I was sore and tired. I often felt my nerves were too raw to do the simplest of chores. And yet, through the miscarriage of my ideals, I was offered moments of healing.

I was once so overwhelmed with emotions and illness that my skin felt like it was charged static electricity. I was in the restroom with a co-worker and I found myself afraid to wash my hands. It was going to hurt--I knew it. I scrubbed twice as long to prove to myself that it was all in my head but my skin ached afterwards. As we talked that day, my newly acquired friend offered compassion I hadn't heard in a long time and some of that tingly and aching in my skin was relieved.

2 months later, I spent days in the fresh air only a cool river can afford and I made eye contact--the real kind when two people really hear each other--for the first time in a long while. Actually, several times. I flirted, stretched my muscles, laughed with strangers, and smelt the sunshine on the rocks.

I did all of this, even as I tried to put on the persona I thought I'd need to wear when I got back home.  How could I change from the New, broken Me to the Old Me without them catching me in the act? How could I ever be happy as either one?? I recognized the same struggle in the people around me.

It's taken me until now to be able to look back and it's taken this long to learn appreciation for those moments of support, understanding, and connection but I'm glad I'm finally able to do it.